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October: Let’s Talk Month

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Check out what a member of our Youth Advisory Board has to say about talking with parents about sexuality.

We are all familiar with the infamously awkward and uncomfortable sex talk. You can recall the agonizing portrayal in movies where a child is sat down on the living room couch as their parents stand above them blundering their way through the dialogue. The ever so desperate attempt to avoid the awkward discussion of the “birds and the bees”. “The Sex Talk” is a notoriously taboo subject, which parents and kid alike have learned to fear. But the idea of “The Sex Talk” being a singular conversation, ignores the importance of the topic. How we take care of ourselves is so important and as parents, you offer us invaluable guidance. “The Sex Talk” should be an ongoing and open dialogue between kids and parents which should not only be about sex, but also relationships, sexuality, and body image to name a just few of the subjects.

I am lucky enough to have parents who recognize the importance of these conversations and from an early age have welcomed them. Knowing that my parents are always open to talk, free of judgment is very comforting. I have found that not judging and being honest, is so important in these conversations and ultimately makes them a lot more beneficial because it encourages us to talk openly. These conversations have never been an interrogation or a lecture, but a free and multi-sided dialogue. I think if you embrace the awkwardness, which is what my parents have done, and approach the conversations with an open mind, it will become easier and easier to talk to one another about uncomfortable subjects.

While my parents have always aimed to be honest with me, when they were asked the inevitable question, “How are babies made?” by five-year-old me, they, of course, did not explain the biology behind sexual reproduction because I would not have understood. But instead, they attempted to answer my question in a way that was age appropriate yet still forthcoming. Tailoring these conversations to where we are in life makes it a lot more relevant and meaningful. You don’t have to plan a date to have “The Talk”. Sometimes we may seek out your guidance, but other times you will have to recognize the teachable moments. The right time could be anytime— seeing an example of a toxic relationship in the media and explaining why the relationship is damaging; bringing up sexuality after you read an interesting article in a publication; or simply asking us how we are doing and offering your help if you notice we are struggling. I really appreciate how my parents are always open to having these conversations when it is relevant to my life and let me dictate the course of the discussion. It has made a notoriously uncomfortable talk, because if I am being completely frank, talking about sex and your personal life with your parents is not fun for anyone, into a more moderately bearable experience.

Over time these conversations developed into discussions about relationships with others, and not even specifically with romantic partners. Some of the most important conversations came when I struggled with friendships. I remember after moving schools I had a particularly hard time making friends. In turn, I allowed not such great people into my life. While I recognize it was an extremely hard conversation for my parents to have with me because I definitely did not want to hear what they had to say, they sat me down and told me how these new relationships were negatively affecting me. This conversation turned out to be a very difficult one, but definitely one I needed. 

Finally, conversations about sex or even just our personal lives will be awkward, but don’t let that scare you off. These conversations are so important and require your willingness to engage in them. Your knowledge and advice is extremely valuable and will ultimately help us make the best possible decisions for ourselves. 

Back to School with myHealth

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Make sure those vaccine records are up to date!

 Did you know, shots aren’t just for kids! Teens need to get their shots, too.

 We all need shots (vaccines) to help protect us from serious diseases. This protection is called immunization. To help keep our community safe, myHealth For Teens & Young Adults is proudly participating in National Immunization Awareness Month.

Not only newborns and infants, but also your preteens and teens will need immunizations from time to time to protect your friends and family. In general, there are four vaccines suggested for teens to help save them from serious illnesses. One of them is the most popular flu vaccine, which should be administered every year. The other vaccines that are recommended for teens during their eleventh or twelfth year include:

  • Meningococcal conjugate vaccine to protect against meningitis and bloodstream infections (septicemia).
  • HPV (Human Papillomavirus) vaccine to protect against cancers caused by HPV.
  • Tdap vaccine to protect against tetanus, diphtheria and whooping cough (pertussis).

As most preteens get their shots before school starts, it could be difficult to get an appointment to meet your child’s doctor. Therefore, plan it well before and get an appointment at the earliest to avoid missing the shots. Always be sure to check with your doctor in order to make sure that your preteen is current with the vaccines. Remember, they may have to catch up with vaccines that they have missed while they were young.

Schedule your appointment today at myHealth to make sure your vaccines are up to date!

International Friendship Day!

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Did you know July 30th is International Friendship Day? You may be thinking to yourself, hmm there sure are a lot of international (fill in the blank) days, but this one has a special meaning. The United Nations proclaimed International Friendship Day in 2011. This day was created to celebrate the importance of friendship, its ability to inspire peace, and build bridges between communities. Research shows friendships have health benefits too1! The Mayo Clinic states friends can…

  • Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
  • Boost your happiness and reduce your stress
  • Improve your self-confidence and self-worth
  • Help you cope with stress and trauma
  • Encourage you to live a healthier lifestyle

We think this is pretty awesome! More and more studies are showing friendships are good for us. A 2010 study, which combined data from more than 308,000 people across 148 studies, found a strong connection between positive social relationships and increased life span2.

As you read this, we hope you are able to think of some of the great friends in your life. Unfortunately, we know friendships aren’t always so great. How do we know someone is a good friend? How do we find friends? How do we find people who like us for who we are? These are some of the questions young people ask when we are out in the community. Everyone deserves to have friends that will support them, encourage them, and appreciate them for who they are.

The myHealth education team teaches young people to navigate friendships and emphasizes these qualities and how they help create healthy friendships (or any relationships).

Emotional Safety: Both people can be themselves and know they will not be judged. They are secure and confident in the friendship. They can take risks, feel challenged in an exciting way that respects their boundaries.

Trust: Friends have confidence in each other, and know they can rely on them. Friends can feel safe to be who they are and share openly with each other.

Support: Friends encourage each other, they value each other’s opinions and listen non-judgmentally. They are there to cheer you on in good times, and be someone to lean on in the not so good times.

Communication: Friends can connect and share openly and honestly. When differences arise, friends can talk through problems cooperatively. Boundaries are respected.

Boundaries: Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them. This could be emotionally, physically, or virtually. Friends respect each other’s boundaries.

Equality: One person does not have power or control over the other. Everyone in a friendship gets a part in the decisions being made, like where to eat, or what to do. If one person is more comfortable talking about their emotions, that doesn’t mean only that person talks openly and makes themselves vulnerable.

Think of your friendships, are these characteristics present? If you have a young person, do their friendships have these characteristics? Remember we should also be a good friend to ourselves. Do you treat yourself the way you would treat a friend? It is also important to recognize these qualities in the way we treat ourselves, and the way our young people treat themselves.

Whether you have a lot of friends, a few friends, or are still trying to find your people that’s okay! Take some time on International Friendship Day to celebrate the friendships in your life! Call an old friend and check in to see how they are doing. Meet up with friends and enjoy the summer weather. Attend an event in your community or join a new group to expand your (real-life) social network.  Friendships are a valuable part of our life and worth celebrating! Investing time in making friends and strengthening friendships can improve our health and give us a better sense of connectedness throughout our lives.

  1. The Health Benefits of Good Friends. (2016, September 28). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
  2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. http://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316

Happy Pride!

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Happy Pride from your friends at myHealth. For many in the LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, plus) community, it is a time to recognize those that came before us, those that fought for human rights, freedom of choice, and for passing the laws that allow people to be with their families and those they love.

Pride is a way to recognize the impact that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and other individuals have had on history locally, nationally, and internationally. Pride started in New York in 1970, a year after the Stonewall Riots in Greenwich Village which is recognized as the event that helped the LGBTQ+ movement gain momentum (read about Stonewall here https://www.britannica.com/event/Stonewall-riots). Pride is a way for communities to voice their demands for equal rights and protections. It is also a celebration of life and sexuality that brings communities together who are frequently discriminated against and left out of conversations.

The following leaders are only 3 of MANY who have been monumental in improving the lives of LGBTQ+ people everywhere. We celebrate the dedication and accomplishments of these folks and the MANY others who have had an impact throughout past, present, and future LGBTQ+ lives.

Barbara Gittings

Barbara Gittings was a prominent activist for LGBTQ+ equality. Her work includes, founding the New York Chapter of Daughters of Bilitis (DOB), picketing in one of the first gay rights protests in 1965, and getting the American Psychiatric Association to remove homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses in 1972. Barbara was instrumental in promoting positive literature about homosexuality in libraries through her work with the American Library Association’s Gay Task Force (known today as the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Round Table).

“Equality means more than passing laws. The struggle is really won in the hearts and minds of the community, where it really counts.”

Andrea Jenkins

Andrea Jenkins is an American policy aide, politician, writer, performance artist, poet, and transgender activist. She serves on the Minneapolis City Council and is the first African American openly trans woman to be elected to office in the United States. She is currently curating the Transgender Oral History Project at the University of Minnesota; collecting stories of people and their experiences as transgender and gender nonconforming people.

“I’m really proud to have achieved that status, and I look forward to more trans people joining me in elected office, and all other kinds of leadership roles in our society.”

Sameer Jha

Sameer Jha is a 16-year-old high school student who identifies as a queer, gender-nonconforming. Semeer founded The Empathy Alliance, a nonprofit that works with students and educators to help make schools safer and more welcoming for LGBTQ+ students. As a first generation American, with parents who immigrated from India and Pakistan, Sameer also works to remove the stigma around being queer in South Asian communities.

“As a queer person of color who traces my heritage to a country in which homosexuality is punishable by death, I want to use my privilege as an American citizen with a supportive family to raise awareness and fight for the people who can’t.”

May is Masturbation Month!

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Think back to when you were a teen, maybe even a tween… What myths did you hear about masturbation? Someone who masturbated would lose their eyesight? Maybe you heard a person would grow hair on their palms…. Or it could cause infertility. But these myths are exactly that, MYTHS! Regardless of gender, masturbation is a normal, healthy part of someone’s sexuality!

Masturbation is a personal decision; many people do, others don’t and that’s okay! There are many different reasons why a person may masturbate. It may help release sexual tension, reduce stress, aid in sleep, or simply just for pleasure. Despite what you may have heard in middle school, there are no negative health effects to masturbation. Masturbation carries no risk of sexually transmitted infections or unplanned pregnancy. It can help a person discover their own sexual responses and learn how to communicate those with a partner.

 

When interacting with young people in the community, we leave a chance for anonymous questions about any topic. Some of the most common questions we get are about masturbation, including;

  1. Is masturbation bad?

Masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy part of someone’s sexuality. There is research that shows healthy

  1. How much masturbation is too much?

There is no right or wrong amount someone masturbates. Some masturbate often, maybe every day or more than once a day, others masturbate less frequently and some will never masturbate at all and that’s okay. All of these are normal. Like anything, masturbation only becomes “too much” if it is taking away from daily activities. If someone notices themselves not hanging out with friends, not doing homework, or skipping out on other responsibilities to masturbate they may want to talk to a mental health counselor or therapist.

 

What messages are your young people getting about masturbation? What messages do you want them to receive? Talking with our young people about masturbation may be an awkward conversations but that’s okay! You can open the door to this conversation by sharing some of the myths you heard when you were a young person. Reassuring young people that masturbation is normal and healthy can help eliminate the fears, myths, and shame often associated with self-discovery.

Get more tips on how to talk to young people about masturbation here:

https://amaze.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/ConversationStarters_Masturbation.pdf

https://amaze.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/KeyMessageScripts_Masturbation.pdf

Kicking off the New Year

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When ringing in 2018, it can be helpful to pause, reflect, and put things into perspective.  We often go into a new year making resolutions of certain qualities and characteristics we want to FIX or CHANGE. While this can be a wonderful opportunity to better ourselves, don’t forget, you are already amazing! How often do you focus on the powerful attributes in your world and what makes you happy?

Stop and reflect with me for a minute… What was challenging for you in 2017? What did you ROCK AT? When did you feel the worst or when you weren’t reaching your potential? When did you feel the best and you gave it all you had?

As we travel through life, we have this little backpack we carry around. At times, our bag is filled (with activities, friends, family, school work, relationships, pressures) and contains a lot of weight and pulls us down. At other times, our bags are EXACTLY what we need; they fill us up and make us feel amazing and empowered. The New Year is not about CHANGING everything about ourselves. You are already amazing in your own way! We can however, take the time to decide where and how we want to spend our time and energy. If your bag is full of heavy, unnecessary items that don’t make you happy, NOW is a great time to readjust. Take that bag and dump it out! Look at exactly what you are carrying around, where your energy and thoughts are focused! Figure out what’s REALLY important in your life! If you don’t know where to start, think about who and what is worth your time and your energy?!  What do you need for your next adventure?

Once you’ve emptied and started re-packing your bag, LIST everything about yourself that is AMAZING! What are you good at? What skills and qualities make you, YOU. Those skills and qualities are the straps of the backpack; the foundation that will support you in all that you do! They can offer stability and comfort when needed. You are YOU! Those qualities that make you are what people see, the unique decorations, the strength of the straps, etc.

The backpack is there for you, whether you realize it or not. You get to fill it with whatever you want! As time passes, and the year speeds along, pause, reflect, evaluate and adjust as needed. Is the weight of the bag pulling you down and making those straps dig into your shoulders? Are you carrying too much for other people and not enough for you? What items need to be removed for you to feel empowered, invigorated, and amazing?! What and who is continuing to inspire you and the amazing person you are?!

After you’ve assessed your backpack, reflected on all the contents and all that it is, put it on! Here’s to your next adventure as you kick off 2018!

Suicide Awareness

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Suicide prevention awareness month is in September.  However, we would like to take a moment to talk about it now, before winter holidays and school breaks. The holidays can be a stressful time for people for a variety of reasons. Some may not have the best relationship with their families or extended families and don’t feel safe to be who they are. Some feel lots of external pressure around the holidays to be positive, and may be struggling with internal pressure to be happy themselves. This can especially be the case for those struggling with depression, or other mental health symptoms. Some folks do not have the safety and security of school and don’t get that escape during the holiday break. Whatever the reason, if you or someone you know is having difficulty over this holiday season please reach out for help.
In 2014 a report by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention revealed children and young adults are at risk for suicide, and is the second leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24. Here at myHealth, we feel it is important to recognize this as well as provide resources and tips if you or someone you know is considering suicide.
Some people who commit suicide give off few or no warning signs, but most suicides come with red flags. Knowing the signs for those who may be considering suicide can help you intervene before it’s too late.
Here are some signs that someone may be considering suicide:
  • Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill themselves
  • Talking about feeling empty, hopeless, or having no reason to live
  • Making a plan or looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online, stockpiling pills, or buying a gun
  • Talking about great guilt or shame
  • Talking about feeling trapped or feeling that there are no solutions
  • Feeling unbearable pain (emotional pain or physical pain)
  • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Using alcohol or drugs more often
  • Acting anxious or agitated
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Changing eating and/or sleeping habits
  • Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
  • Taking great risks that could lead to death, such as driving extremely fast
  • Talking or thinking about death often
  • Displaying extreme mood swings, suddenly changing from very sad to very calm or happy
  • Giving away important possessions
  • Saying goodbye to friends and family
  • Putting affairs in order, making a will
So what can you do?? 
(Some great tips from the article below)
If the warning signs apply to you or someone you know, get help as soon as possible, particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently. One resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The deaf and hard of hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1-800-799-4889.
  1. Ask: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
  2. Keep them safe: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
  3. Be there: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Findings suggest acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts.
  4. Help them connect: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
  5. Stay Connected: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.
Suicidal thoughts or actions are a sign of extreme distress, not a harmless bid for attention, and should not be ignored.
Family and friends typically are the first to recognize the warning signs of suicide and can be the first step toward helping find treatment with someone who specializes in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions.

What if someone seems suicidal on social media?
Many social media outlets, including Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, and Google+, have ways to report suicidal content and get help for the content creator. Each social media site has a different procedure, so search the site’s help page for assistance.

Link for article and other suicide prevention resources:
Local Resources:
And remember myHealth provides counseling services to those between the ages of 12-26, please contact us to set up an appointment if you or someone you know is struggling. If it is an emergency/crisis situation please call the above hotlines or 911.

You are loved, because you are you.

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This is an opinion piece and does not reflect the views of myHealth as an organization.

There seems to be this idea that faith, spirituality, and/or a relationship with [whomever you call] God or a higher power cannot and should not coincide with a healthy sexuality. Each person deserves to have spirituality if they wish; you are amazing and loved because you are you. It is possible to have faith and be a part of or be an ally to the LGBTQ community. Faith and spirituality looks different to everyone, to me, it is God. I did not grow up in church, I never understood what it meant to have a relationship with Him; I didn’t grow up with open communication where I felt comfortable asking questions, especially when it came to sexuality.  My journey with faith and sexuality began as an adult.

I often feel as though I live in two different worlds.  In one world I have a strong and supportive relationship with God and the community surrounding that.  In my other world, I am a health educator, teaching young people to have confidence in themselves, to overcome the shame and fear that has been taught to them around sex and sexuality, and how to safely incorporate their personal values into romantic relationships. When I came up with the idea to write this article, I felt as though I belonged in both of these worlds. I have heard, listened to, and watched young people struggle, and believe that they cannot be loved because they are lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual, intersex, or identify differently than society expects.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that there needs to be more clarity and openness when it comes to these two topics, which is why I am writing this article.  I started writing several months ago, but was derailed after my research began and I read negative articles, opinions, and hateful blogs damning anyone who isn’t heterosexual to hell. Don’t get me wrong, there are others in cyberspace who know and believe that God loves them regardless of their gender, biological sex, sexual orientation, etc. The ones brave enough to write about it and show their belief and support have been ridiculed and bullied. Many of them chose to discontinue their writing because their emotional and mental health was suffering as a result. At the time I started my initial research and writing, I had been attending a small group every Thursday, attending church every weekend. I also loved my job, but I had a lot of questions regarding faith. How could God create a world where He only loved people who were heterosexual? A world where it’s okay to “love thy neighbor” as long as they look the same? If everyone had the choice to be born without pain, bullying, and difficulties, I believe that most would choose that path. People do not choose their gender, identity or sexuality, especially if it means they will have more obstacles or could experience hate, oppression, and/or fewer rights.

I am not going to pull out quotes from the bible to support my argument, because I do not believe that having faith is about having the resources to back it up.  It is personal, and something that only that individual can understand. I will not be using the bible as a reference, because in the past, the bible served as a way to refute people of color’s rights as well as women’s rights. I believe God created this amount of diversity as a test of faith to overcome our differences, and find His compassion to love. I want you to know, I am a heterosexual, cisgender, white, female.  Does that change your lens? I challenge you to read through this again. I am not biased, making up my own rules so that I “fit”, but I am also not condemning others for having differing beliefs, I listen and trust my faith.  I am not perfect, but I love you for you, because that is what God teaches. If you or someone you know is looking for a place of worship that is welcoming and affirming of LGBTQ identified folks, click this link: https://www.outfront.org/resources/worship.

Laura, myHealth Health Educator

Let’s Talk Month

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October is Let’s Talk Month. It shouldn’t just be one month but a reminder about the importance of talking to your child about sexuality and their sexual health on a regular basis. We want you to be able to open the door to this conversation. myHealth provides parent education sessions Next one is Oct. 19th where you can hear real questions students ask in school and learn tools to support conversations with your child, teen or young adult.

Like these: (real questions from students)

  • I heard you can’t get pregnant your first time is that true?
  • If you have 1 STD does that keep you from getting another one?
  • How do you know if a relationship is healthy or not.  My friend is ALWAYS getting txts from her boyfriend and he gets mad if she doesn’t answer right away even if she’s in school.
  • My friend started ghosting me. It totally sucks what can I do?
  • Are you supposed to shave your pubic hair? What if you’re a dude?
  • Is it normal to question your sexuality?
  • How do I tell my parents that I’m bi?
  • Why does oral sex count as sex?

There is a lot of assumptions out there when it comes to what our young people are learning and how much of that information is helpful. Let’s bust a few of those myths.

MYTH: My child gets sex ed in school. They get all the information they need.

FACT: Did you know MN State Requirements make us one in only 24 states that actually require sex ed and HIV education.  Let’s dig into what those requirements mean.  MN schools are required to teach about abstinence, HIV, and healthy relationships (and it could be assumed to cover STI’s but it’s unclear given the wording). Our state does not require that information be inclusive of sexual orientations, provide information on contraceptives or condom use, be medically accurate, culturally appropriate, age appropriate and lastly there is no restriction against promoting religion in our sex education. (Guttmacher 2017)

– Funny take of the sad reality of Sex Ed in our country John Oliver clip from 2015 (The statistics are still pretty accurate and the video helps to break down the state standards and their meaning)

Now, those are just the basic requirements. Some schools have amazing semester long comprehensive sexual health education where they talk about contraceptives, barrier methods, boundaries, consent, communication, navigating pressure, gender, sexual orientation, love, pleasure etc. On the other end of the spectrum, some schools teach only the required minimum and pack it into 1-3 classes ONCE during a students’ entire high school education. As a parent, it’s up to you to know what your school policy is because there is such a wide range. If you feel information at your school is lacking, this TIP SHEET can help you advocate for more comprehensive sexual health education. If your child isn’t getting all the information you want them to have, it’s important to supplement that education at home or you can bring them to myHealth.  We provide medically accurate, fact based, age and culturally appropriate education is provided value and judgement free. We will answer any of their questions so they can make the best decision for themselves.

Though hard at times, it is important to talk with your young person because it helps keep your child/ teen safe. By having fact based information about their body, how to keep their body healthy, how to build healthy relationships and make the best decisions for them. Sexuality is a broad topic that includes body parts, self-esteem, friendships relationships, messages from the media and our friends, and our values etc.

– Sexuality at every age and stage (LINK TO HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUALITY)- check out this tip sheet of what topics and questions are relevant at each age and stage.

MYTH: Talking about sex and sexuality will cause my child to have sex and be unsafe.

FACT: Parent-child communication about sexuality promotes sexually healthy behaviors

“When young people feel unconnected to home, family, and school, they may become involved in activities that put their health at risk. However, when parents affirm the value of their children, young people more often develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. Although most adults want youth to know about abstinence, contraception, and how to prevent HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs), parents often have difficulty communicating about sex. Nevertheless, positive communication between parents and children greatly helps young people to establish individual values and to make healthy decisions.”

– Tips to keep kids safe – talking to our kids/teens about sexuality, boundaries, and our bodies keeps them safe from abuse.

KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING!

It’s easy to let our emotions run the conversations when we are worried or concerned about our young person.  Remember that you love them and you want them to have the information to make the best decisions. Take a breath, remind yourself that you care about them, pause, and then respond.  Try using some of the Door Openers below to start the conversation.  You’ll be amazed how much more they will share with you. Try to keep the door open to conversations about sexuality. Ask them what they think and why? How they came to that conclusion? How will it feel if … happens to a friend or if … were to be a consequence of a behavior?  Young people are learning their own values and figuring out what is important to them so keep picking their mind to ask them how they decided on that.  This helps them understand how they make decisions because their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that uses logic and critical thinking) is still being developed during adolescence and into early adulthood.  Help them sort through their values and the why’s behind them.

When we use the Door Slammers it does just that, it ends the conversation. They may not turn to you next time they want a second opinion and they will find it somewhere else. Take a minute to share your values and seek their perspective.

Door Openers

  • “What do you think?”
  • “That’s a good question.”
  • “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.”
  • “I’m trying to understand what you’re feeling/ asking?”
  • “Do you know that word means?”
  • “I’m glad you told me about that.”

Door Slammers

  • “You’re too young.”
  • “Where did you hear that?”
  • “If you say that word again, I’ll …”
  • “That’s none of your business.”
  • “I don’t care what your friends are doing.”
  • “That’s just for boys (girls).”
  • “We’ll talk about that when you need to know.

MORE RESOURCES

Purposeful Parenting

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I feel like my time is running out. My kids are teenagers, thinking about college. The thought sends my stomach into a knot and brings tears to my eyes. It does not seem possible that the last 17 years have passed so quickly.

I have received lots of parenting advice. Pick your battles. Bribery works. Cuddle. Teach them to make good choices. Be there for them. Let them experience disappointment. Prepare them to manage money and their time and homework. Teach them manners. Show them respect, but ensure that it is reciprocated. Make sure they eat vegetables. Teach them to be kind. Don’t baby them. Make them strong. So many words from so many who have done this before me.

If only someone had told me how much my heart would break every time my child experienced disappointment. How my eyes would well with tears each first day of school as they walk towards the school doors, their backs to me. How proud I would be when they were proud. How this normally non-competitive, rational woman would turn into a snarling lioness when some unfairness toward her offspring was encountered. If only I had known how much love I would have for these two beautiful creations.

I have given up a lot for my children. Money, sure. They are very expensive. The man-child eats as if he may never get another meal. My personal interests have gone by the wayside. Although I enjoy it, I have not picked up a golf club in six years. I cannot remember the last time I read a book for an hour without interruption. I have spent eons of time putting together, sorting, breaking apart and searching for Legos. I have watched more Pixar and superhero movies than a normal adult should admit to. I have played games on the Wii, Xbox and Play Station until my thumbs hurt. I have colored with crayons, with colored pencils and with ink pens. I have been crafty, creative, and enthusiastic for every single school project, even when it is unexpectedly due tomorrow. I have watched episode after episode of silly Disney channel shows that bore me to tears.

And I would do it all again. Because that is what happens when you become a parent. A part of you is lost, for a while, as you focus on creating an adult. Time is lost doing things you need to do, not what you want to do. Parenting is an act of kindness. Of selflessness. Parenting is about being an example and a teacher. Parenting is about being militant and forceful. Of talking about difficult topics, and not shying away when they ask a personal question you’d likely prefer not to answer. Parenting is about being honest about yourself and being honest with them. Parenting is a 24/7 job. A job I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Gerilyn, Executive Director